The last couple of weeks I’ve been woodshedding(practicing for you non-musicians) my bass and singing some music in preparation for a special service at a friend’s church next week. I haven’t played or sang these songs in many years and several times, both alone at home & even rehearsing them with others, I’ve found myself (emotionally) barely able to get thru them. In my mind I’ve even said to myself…”What’s wrong with you? You’re a professional!!”…..In my 30yrs of being a professional musician, I have played many songs that emotionally moved me. However, I think this is a different thing. This morning I read this Henri JM Nouwen devotion shortly after seeing a picture that triggered some memories of a bad time in my life. Regrettably, I think that pic & those songs reminded me of the wounds that I so often tell people that I’ve moved passed, yet they haven’t fully healed.
I’m unashamedly a champion of PEACE & LOVE and I believe in healing, restoration & forgiveness. There was a time when I had an answer or at least an opinion on anything that people wanted to talk about. Often I would have a knee-jerk reaction or comment that I would also often have to retract. Because of that, in recent years when a situation or subject takes me by surprise, I get quiet and either just don’t say anything or simply reply “I DON’T KNOW”. I really try to listen and learn as much as I can but I’ve become so comfortable with “I DON’T KNOW”. When the consequences of my bad choices several years ago severed the community that I was in, I was crushed. Rather than blaming someone else or dragging others under the bus with me, I chose to take the high road and take the consequences like a man and own it. I don’t curse those that cursed me, I have no desire to seek revenge or “pay back evil with evil” but I won’t lie and tell you that I’m at a place that I’m ready to bless them either. My life is different today than it was back then, some better(my wife that truly loves me for better or for worse, my kids that continue to travel with thing called “being an adult” with honesty and realness, true friends that have stuck by me regardless of my stupidity) and some not(still estranged from that community). With that, how do I get passed all this baggage? I DON’T KNOW!! I’m just gonna continue to trust that God has a plan, keep playing my bass, keep putting one foot in front of the other, continue to be a champion of PEACE & LOVE, continue to love people right where they are, regardless of whether we see eye to eye or not and finally, look forward to the day that I get to that place where I can HONESTLY(not lip service) bless those that curse me. Thank you for letting me be transparent.